Chasing cars


"If I lay here.....
If I just lay here......
Would you lay. with me,
And just forget the world....."

This is a verse, not from a poem but  from a song,
And when I hear it, especially when I am alone, usually in the car listening to the radio, I invairably start to cry.

This happened last night, when I was driving back with our takeaway from the local Indonesian restaurant .
It was the song that was played incessantly on the radio when I took my first dog Finlay back and forth from the vets and animal hospital when he was terminally ill.

He used to lie with me all of the time
And we both used to forget the world together.

It's been ten years.
And I still cry when I hear it.....

What song does it for you?

Christmas Fair

Sandra C from the village now organises the annual Christmas bash, which is a lot of work for one lady and her family.
There was music from a local band, the village schoolchildren and from the village choir.
 We ( the members of the Flower Show Committee- Terry, John , myself, animal helper Pat, Ann and dapnae ) didn't see much of the fair as we were in charge of the catering tables and kitchen.
Terry doesn't like Christmas so we put him front of house  serving teas and next to the PA system speaker , he almost went bananas  with the constant Christmas theme of the songs .

 Members of the village a Male Voice choir sang traditional ditties
 Santa ( Head of the community council Dave Smith) arrived on his moter  bike with his Elf in the sidecar


Dozy

Apart from raising a Roger Moore eyebrow, the Prof nearly said " dozy" when I told him about the floor.
" It could be a lot worse!" He then muttered 
Just behind him George walked across the living room with cream paint all up his arse where he had sat against the skirting board
Hey ho...
( helping out at the village Christmas do later...I will post photos this afternoon)

Oh Dorothy!!!!


I'm such a friggin' fucking, twatting, bollocking, arseholing dick brain!
Guess Who gave the fitters the WRONG measurements for the floor? 

Almost There- Reality TV



In the darkness of Chapel Street this evening Jean and Dave Smith stopped to say they were looking forward to see what the kitchen looks like when it is finally finished on Tuesday!
Sandra Cameron popped up behind with her Yorkshire terrier and said the same thing!
I thought it was kind seeing that her kitchen looks like the set of Housewives of Orange County
Animal helper Pat popped in to see the progress today and through the uncovered lane window a whole collection of villagers have sneaked sideward glances when passing with their dogs and shopping bags .
It's getting all a bit addictive this reality kitchen construction thing...like a local Reality Tv Show
Roll on a Tuesday.........I've booked Jane Asher to officially open it.....she needs the work

Best Friends



It's cold here and the cottage smells of fresh paint.
The log burner has been on since Sunday night, and Albert has burrowed under the bedroom duvet to warm himself after a night's hunting.
I've just touched base with best friend Nu who is suffering from a heavy seasonal cold.
I catch up with her in two weeks time on  a winter's London trip
Phone calls with friends often fall into shorthand speak where conversations take on, almost a language all of it's own! This drives the Prof mad and he often refers to my interactions as being emotionally masturbating in nature!
Hey ho
I read an article recently that stated a research paper claimed that people with more than one or two best friends lived longer, happier lives than those that didn't!
Go figure !
So my question of today is.....
Who is your best friend? ( first name only) and in five words or less describe just why that is the case! ( spouses can't be classed as best friends I am afraid)
I'd be interested to hear

On the Toilet


Yesterday sailor John from next door came around to put up the new kitchen lights.
I cannot be trusted with anything electric owing to DIY incompetence and the fact that I am colour blind.
John wouldn't accept any payment for the work so I had to resort to gift buying. I hope he liked the two steaks and bottle of port I left for him.....it was a job well done.
I am presently typing this on the loo. I need to start painting the kitchen ceiling and I know I am putting off the job.
I hate painting.....and sitting on the loo seems much more fun......having said that, I've sat here too long now and have a large pressure  red ring circling my buttocks..
Too much info, I hear you all say
The kitchen floor arrives on Friday and the new tiles will be coming with the tiler on Monday so it hands to the pumps me hearties!
The kitchen should be finished totally by Tuesday!
Now I had to smile on Sunday when I passed the Church door whilst on a walk with the dogs. Church service had just finished and the vicar was sat on the stone seat in the porch surrounded by the village ladies who were all eagerly looking at photos of his new kitchen on his mobile phone , oohing and arrrghing as if they had seen a baby.
Mind you having a new kitchen is just like having your first baby
You are totally scared that you'll break something when it arrives

Madness

I've lost followers when I questioned the sanity of gun ownership in the US
I've lost followers when I've slagged off Donald Trump
And I think I've lost at least one follower when I waxed too lyrically about Chris Pratt's biceps once
But today is the first time Ive lost a follower because I shared the fact that the Prof once tapped Winnie's Vulva with a hand knitted slipper
I'm surrounded by madness!

" WHATEVER!!!!!!"

Dog Psychology



Four dogs and a small cottage often means chaos if you are not ordered and you think like a human.
The secret of controlling canines is that you have to think like one.
With a selection of workmen in and out of the house, the first rule is to prepare them and not the dogs.
I always check first, if they " know" dogs and second if they are nervous of dogs. Thus armed I can get introductions over with.
Winnie this morning....and every morning

Winnie and Mary have to greet everyone, before they settle. Greeting means jumping and cuddling and in Winnie's case kissing but the rule is always I go through the door first, dogs always follow second it's the same rule I  have with them when exiting the car. Dogs NEVER leave a car without permission.

William, sleeping with his blind eye open

William and George will greet visitors in their own time. George will bark loudly which often puts fear into the more nervous of workmen but as long as they are warned they will pet him and William politely before the dogs start to lose interest.
Then it is time for the dogs to be removed except for when the tiler is working as he has already said he rather enjoys Winnie's lugubrious company.
Other rules for dog control are

Keep verbal instructions to a minimum, dogs understand tone more than words

Never EVER tap a female bulldog on the vulva with your slippered foot- thinking her reaction is amusing-- she will NEVER forget the experience and will try and masturbate with you at every opportunity ( Prof please note)

Be consistent,
Only scold them immediately after bad behaviour never later.

Ignoring dogs for at least a minute a day especially when you regroup with the pack keeps them on their toes and clear that you are the boss.

George in his dog cave



Damp, day dreaming Mary

The final rule for happy well adjusted dogs is keep them fed, watered and in your company . They are pack animals and need their leader around 

The Walking Dead Episode 6

Carol , Henry and Jerry

A good episode
Carol has the hots for the King and had just adopted another kid ( Melissa McBride's scenes were rather moving tonight I thought)
Maggie may have made a big mistake although one of the saviours may be a date for Jesus !
An interesting new character in Siddig has arrived
Oh And Daryl and Tara have gone rogue

Siddig

Flounce


Problems with the kitchen tiles necessitated the ones I had already purchased to be returned to the DIY store
A rant was the order of the day ( which was successfully sidestepped by the deadpan " returns clerk" ) and so even without the satisfaction of verbally bitchslapping some unfortunate bod, I left the store still ready for a fight.
At least the tiler has rescheduled his work for next Monday and has helped me buy some lovely ( but more expensive) replacement tiles for the job to be completed .
Hey fucking  ho
I sold the old fridge today and prepared the kitchen walls for painting so the day hasn't been too much of a bust and the news that Harry and Meghan is getting married was mildly good news on such a rainy afternoon.
Some people get their knickers in a twist when Royals get married .
What's the bloody point getting all arsey I say?, we should be just happy for people that have shared their good news with us all.

When the Prof and I got married one person that knew my betrothed fairly well on a social level refused to congratulate him on his forthcoming nuptials . It was a mealy mouthed so called Christian comment on gay marriage I am sure but when the snub came publically I and not the Prof was the one that wouldn't forgive.
I've not acknowledged the person ever since.
Gays never forget

Susan And Harry

The Prof is a noise maker. He walks heavily, talks loudly and verbalises his thoughts constantly.
I, on the other hand am used to quiet.
I even hate radio music, especially in the morning.
This morning, after playing in the kitchen, I sat down in the armchair with an old silver plated water jug which I had " found" in the back of one of the old kitchen cabinets.


I must had had it over thirty years and had long forgotten where it had come from, but I thought I would give it a buff up as I sat in the quiet.
" What are you doing?" The Prof bellowed from his office, obviously worried that the silence from downstairs meant that I was up to no good
" I am polishing a silver jug" I called back
" More TAT !" The Prof replied
After half a hour the jug didn't look too bad and seemingly making a silk purse out of a sow's ear impressed the Prof quite a lot as he conceded a brief " oh that's nice "as he sashayed past.


Polishing the jug reminded me of Susan And Harry. In the early 1980s they were inpatients at the old West Cheshire Hospital in Chester and had been incarcerated there for most of their lives. Both were in their mid sixties. Both were what we used to term as burnt out schizophrenics and both were as devoted to each other as a platonic, mentally fragile Darby & Joan

The West Cheshire Psychiatric Hospital

As student nurses, we used to see the couple hand in hand, ambling around the hospital grounds in their hospital issue drab clothes that seemed decades too old for them, and both would offer us well thumbed bags of sweets that smelled of loose tobacco, bought from the hospital shop in the main building.
They were a welcome sight in an otherwise austere world.
Now one day we were told that Susan and Harry were to be married and as our group had placements on long stay a few of us were asked to attend the service in the hospital chapel
The nursing staff from Susan's and Harry's respective wards had done this drab little couple proud and both had been given a make over for their big day. A second hand wedding dress had been altered professionally for susan and her usual tight hospital perm was softened by the usually sullen hairdresser who had been given strict instructions by the ward sister not to give her a half arsed job.
Domestic staff had clubbed together to buy the bouquets and corsages and the Occupational therapy department had decorated the usually glum little chapel with flowers and garlands as well as sprucing up the ward dining room which had been converted into a function room complete with a running buffet provided by the hospital cooks.
Of course try as they might, the nursing staff couldn't quite remove the yellow nicotine stains on Harry's fingers or desguise the fact that susan had no teeth on her upper palate but the event proved to
 be a rather magical moment in my nursing career and one that made me grow a little older after I had witnessed it.
The Welsh terriers sleeping as I type this post 



Ohhh Errrrr


" oh I do look rather surprised don't I ?" said the woman with the clipboard pointing at her identify badly photo " I was in the photo booth having it taken and someone poked a chocolate eclair through the curtains" 
So shared Victoria Wood in one of her most funny human moment routines.
I was reminded of this comic aside after I had presented the kitchen fitters with a large box of eclairs yesterday. After I had handed them over to effusive thanks and only after the apprentice thought I was out of earshot, there was much ribald laughter from the fitters as they shared a dirty joke which probably featured penis length!

It's In!

You can't get the full effect , but picture duck green tiles as the splash back with white grout.
Wood effect vinyl ( so no slips by fat bulldogs) and cream walls
I've filled every soddin cupboard!




Knobs


Apart from the tiling and the laying of the new floor, both getting sorted next week, the kitchen should be finished this afternoon!
I shall post  nauseating smug photos of everything later today so be prepared for a showing off fest !
The fitters presented me with this yesterday
It's some sort of handset for automatically turning on the lights under the countertops!
I got all excited about it and giggled like a schoolgirl
I'm easily pleased.
All the Prof said about everything was  a " It's big!" comment whilst raising one Roger Moore eyebrow

Cute as a button


....and I'm not talking about the baby dinosaur
I'l leave you with my guilty crush Greg Davies
V v funny


Taking Shape

I was on a bit of a learning curve yesterday. Thanks to all of your Thanksgiving comments....apparently Thanksgiving dinner in the US is more of an event than Christmas dinner ! Who knew! Hey ho!
Anyhow...
I'm beginning to feel that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Yesterday three fitters squeezed into the cottage as the dogs and I squeezed out. I bought them all takeaway coffees and cakes and went out for the day.
When I got home in the afternoon, things had moved forward rather nicely.



Today I am going to drink coffee in Marks and Spencer's cafe. They have wifi and I can complete lots of web " paperwork" out of the way of the mess, banging and stress of hearing hairy arsed strangers sitting in the loo whistling.

Calling All Americans


Now my last post raised an interesting question ( well for me it did) do American's prefer Thanksgiving dinner more than Christmas Dinner?
To the Brits here, a turkey dinner is a Christmas only thing....
I like the thought of Thanksgiving ... but I'd have it in June.

( the painting is a Norman Rockwell ...one of my favourite artists from the US ...my only complaint is that the turkey doesn't appear to be very heavy ( and if you've read my previous post you would understand that I know how much a turkey weighs)

Anyhow! American readers what do you prefer?

thanksgiving

With Thanksgiving just around the corner, I thought I'd pay tribute to an old friend long since gone now.
Boris was a pure delight.
A Norfolk Bronze turkey stag of some age and standing Boris was the king of the Ukrainian Village . He and his sister Grace were gifts from a grateful patient of mine and were hand delivered to the cottage as babies by the patient's daughter.
I knew nothing about turkeys then and I had to learn quicksticks as turkey poults are notoriously delicate creatures who can die easily of disease and the cold.
As Boris grew, he became as tame as a canary and would follow me around in his usual slow shuffle amble. He would spend long periods of time standing by the gate watching cars and people going by and would gobble merrily at anyone who took his fancy. 
Strangely the only person who didn't take his fancy was The Prof and the two shared a rather sharp hate/hate relationship where Prof and Turkey would take potshots at each other when backs were turned.
In the new year I may think of getting another turkey stag. 
They make clean, loyal and rather delightful pets.
And rather good dinners too
( I didn't eat him)



Mr Gay


I've had to chase up quite a few things with the kitchen fitters today ( apologies for the yawn)
One email from a manager called Gail, amused me amid the phonecalls, internet exchanges, complaints and answerphone messages
"Good Morning Mr Gay.
Hope you are well. I have tried to call this morning as it has been passed across that you have tried to contact us. I have left a voicemail asking if you could call back, in the voicemail I have mentioned that the installations team haven't been able to answer due to a meeting, apologies this is not correct......"
I answered
Dear Gail,
 My name is GRAY and not GAY
But strange as it maybe I am actually gay so no harm done.
I will contact you after discussion with the new fitter regarding the cost of his works....."